This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
