can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
