I think my fart just growled at me.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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