Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
