what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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