So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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