u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Success! We fucked roommates!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
