ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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