News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
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