while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
