u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
