my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
