the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
