I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
