Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
