Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
