News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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