Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
