I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
