Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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