since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
