In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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