No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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