i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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