I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
