So drunk its hurt
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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