We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
