Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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