Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
