Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
