She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
