Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
