Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
