her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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