guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
