You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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