NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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