I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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