I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
