im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
