She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
