I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
