Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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