If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
