LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
