I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
