sarcasm needs its own font
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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