I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
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