I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
