I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
